A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
A: Because it's two tired.
Do you know what's really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
IF I AM FUNNY LIKE THIS IF IM NOT STILL LIKE IT
why did the chicken cross the road? it didn't, it got hit by a car half way across.
Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.
Why did the chicken cross the road? So it could get roasted by me!
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
Blonde: What does IDK stand for?
Brunette: I don’t know
Blonde: Why doesn’t anyone know!
Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
So their nuts don't get wet!
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
why am i funny?
because i am!!!!!!! get roasted
Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.
Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.
"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"
"Go away! I'm crapping!"
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?
I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I told him I didn't have the money to pay him so he gave me another week.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.
I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him I cant see him.”
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?
Because they’re bitter.
“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”
I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere.
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ears.
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug.
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
She always ran away from the ball.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.
If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
- Oh Harry, that would be lovely! -
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Dracula didn’t have many friends because he was a real pain in the neck.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry...
Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
Q: Is Google a he or a she?
A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
"Please help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!"
"But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Richards!"
"It would be, if I didn't usually wake up at 8:30!"
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A patient sobs to his doctor: “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor: “Well pull yourself together man!”
I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit.
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.
“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall?
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
Why were there bullet holes in the mirror? A blonde tried killing herself.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.