A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
by Daniel P 1 years ago
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Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own? A: Because it's two tired.
by billy 3 years ago
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Do you know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2
by anonymous 3 years ago
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IF I AM FUNNY LIKE THIS IF IM NOT STILL LIKE IT
by IAMFUNNY (NOT) 1 years ago
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why did the chicken cross the road? it didn't, it got hit by a car half way across.
by roaster 1 years ago
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Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.
by billy 3 years ago
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PLEASE LIKE THIS JOKE
by IAMFUNNY (NOT) 1 years ago
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Why did the chicken cross the road? So it could get roasted by me!
by roaster 1 years ago
1 comments
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A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
by billy 3 years ago
1 comments
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Blonde: What does IDK stand for? Brunette: I don’t know Blonde: Why doesn’t anyone know!
by billy 1 years ago
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Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.
by billy 3 years ago
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs? So their nuts don't get wet!
by billy 3 years ago
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
by billy 2 years ago
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why am i funny? because i am!!!!!!! get roasted
by IAMFUNNY (NOT) 1 years ago
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Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.
by billy 3 years ago
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Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf. "Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?" "Go away! I'm crapping!"
by billy 3 years ago
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
by billy 3 years ago
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Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
by anonymous 3 years ago
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I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
by anonymous 3 years ago
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Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.
by billy 1 years ago
1 comments
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When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
by billy 1 years ago
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If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
by billy 1 years ago
2 comments
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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
by billy 2 years ago
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What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark? I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
by billy 3 years ago
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My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I told him I didn't have the money to pay him so he gave me another week.
by billy 2 years ago
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.
by billy 3 years ago
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I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
by billy 3 years ago
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Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.” Doctor: “Tell him I cant see him.”
by billy 3 years ago
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Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
by billy 2 years ago
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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
by anonymous 3 years ago
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Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women? Because they’re bitter.
by billy 3 years ago
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“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!”
by billy 3 years ago
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I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere.
by billy 3 years ago
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Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
by billy 3 years ago
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How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ears.
by billy 1 years ago
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A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug.
by billy 2 years ago
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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
by billy 1 years ago
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Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!
by billy 3 years ago
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The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
by billy 2 years ago
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Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
by billy 3 years ago
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They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
by billy 3 years ago
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If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
by billy 1 years ago
1 comments
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
by billy 1 years ago
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
by billy 1 years ago
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Q: What is blue and smells like red paint? A: Blue paint.
by billy 3 years ago
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Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team? She always ran away from the ball.
by billy 2 years ago
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Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
by billy 1 years ago
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Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
by billy 1 years ago
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Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
by billy 2 years ago
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
by billy 3 years ago
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Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
by billy 1 years ago
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Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
by billy 3 years ago
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I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
by billy 1 years ago
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Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?” Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!” Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?” Patrick, “What school?”
by billy 3 years ago
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Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
by billy 2 years ago
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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
by billy 2 years ago
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
by billy 1 years ago
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Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
by billy 1 years ago
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
by billy 3 years ago
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What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
by billy 1 years ago
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Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.
by billy 1 years ago
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If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
by billy 1 years ago
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Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? - Oh Harry, that would be lovely! - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
by anonymous 2 years ago
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Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
by billy 1 years ago
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How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
by billy 1 years ago
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
by billy 3 years ago
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What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
by billy 1 years ago
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What's brown and sticky? A stick.
by billy 1 years ago
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Dracula didn’t have many friends because he was a real pain in the neck.
by billy 2 years ago
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5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
by billy 1 years ago
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One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?'
by billy 1 years ago
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Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
by billy 1 years ago
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Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
by billy 2 years ago
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I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
by billy 2 years ago
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Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
by billy 1 years ago
1 comments
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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
by billy 1 years ago
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My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry...
by billy 1 years ago
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Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
by billy 2 years ago
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
by billy 1 years ago
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Q: Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
by billy 3 years ago
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"Please help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!" "But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Richards!" "It would be, if I didn't usually wake up at 8:30!"
by billy 2 years ago
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Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
by billy 1 years ago
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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
by billy 1 years ago
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A patient sobs to his doctor: “I feel like a pair of curtains!” Doctor: “Well pull yourself together man!”
by billy 2 years ago
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I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
by billy 1 years ago
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Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit.
by billy 2 years ago
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Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
by billy 3 years ago
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The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it. “It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”
by billy 2 years ago
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When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
by billy 1 years ago
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Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
by billy 1 years ago
1 comments
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I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
by Pillow which you ate 2 years ago
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What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall? Dam!!!
by billy 2 years ago
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Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don’t work.
by billy 3 years ago
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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
by billy 1 years ago
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You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
by billy 1 years ago
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Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
by billy 3 years ago
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Why were there bullet holes in the mirror? A blonde tried killing herself.
by billy 1 years ago
3 comments
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Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
by billy 1 years ago
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I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
by billy 1 years ago
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
by billy 1 years ago
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